Lavinia A. Stoian ♥

Motto:  hola ..no te escondas…

        I’ve tried to forget it but I can’t. It’s a weird feeling I’m having.. I think it’s guilt.

        I’ve never took the time to analyze my behaviour towards you back then. I did it last night; for some reason, it kept me awake. I blamed you for our failure.Truth is, I’ve never tried with you… I had you and I knew it. I thought there’s nothing in this world that can turn you against me. I thought that you’ll love me, regardless of my behaviour.

    I remember this one conversation we had.. a long time ago. I was mad at you ( again, I don’t even know why) and you were misserable. You said I had no idea how much it hurts you to imagine me with someone else.. someone else taking me out and buying me drinks.. someone else holding my hand. You said I had no idea how much it hurt you to know I have someone else. And my reply in that moment was the biggest mistake I’ve ever done. My reply was probably the reason why today you don’t care about me. [ ...] My reply was.. silence. I intentionally wanted you to believe I had someone else. Just to see you suffer. Just for that. Although, deep down inside, I wanted to tell you that.. quite frankly, there was no one else but you. There never was. No-one to take me out. Or hold my hand. Because despite the fights, you were the only thing I loved. and wanted. There was never anyone else. but YOU.
    For the sake of love, I’m apologising. For not telling you this when you most needed to hear it. And for secretly enjoying the torture I put you through. But don’t worry, what went around, came around.

    [ ... and I hope you never read this. ]  

  
        Ive been quite fine…really good sometimes and only sometimes….Ive missed you a lot too…i really did. You are an amazing person and you ve been really una parte importante de mi vida. Quizas por eso no nos separamos a pesar de que fuimos dos lunaticos jugando a enamorarse a kilometros de distancia, jugando a que quizas el tiempo no es tiempo y el destino se impone a los obstaculos de la vida misma. Si estas en ese, my destiny, entonces desde aqui te regalo cualquier tarde para los dos, un paseo o unas galletas. Porque eres mi esposa a pesar de que talvez nunca te pueda besar a pesar de que nunca te pueda mirar directamente a los ojos mientras te repito que yo tambien te quiero.
 
 
 
 
(de una manera u otra)
 
 
Beso enorme.
 
Enrique

Hi there…

    I’m sorry I couldn’t write you sooner, I’ve been EXTREMELY busy these past few months. God, so much has happened.. my life is changing 100% . I’m doing really well… really really well. Everything seems to go just how I planned it.

    I fell in love.. madly in love. With this guy who lives in Nottingham.. and I’m actually at that point in life where I’m just saying: ‘fuck it, he’s worth it!’. I met him when I was visiting Danny… apparently they’re close friends. I’m moving to Nottingham. I told him I’m moving over just for university. But actually, I’m moving in for him. I chose to study at the same university as him just to be close to him.. god, I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’ve given this guy my full attention ever since I’ve met him. I’ve never felt this way for anyone, Matt is just… so incredibly special. Thing is, although we’ve become very close the past few weeks, i still can’t plug up the courage to tell him how i feel.. oh well, I’ll just see how it goes when we’ll be together.. either way, I’m confident I haven’t made a mistake.

    On a different note, I was in Portugal last week. Just hanged out with Hugo and the guys in Algarve.. i tried to call you but you were probably busy with that little bimbo of yours haha I’ve missed you. I’ve been missing you ever since you left. You take very silly decisions, you know? Let me know if you’ve changed your mind… I wanna see you one last time, before I move out of Romania and leave everything from my past behind. I need to say a proper goodbye to you…

    I know your birthday is a few days away, but I won’t bother calling you.. I’m afraid the bimbo will pick up the phone haha i hate her, her voice annoys me greatly. So I’ll just say it now:  happy birthday, lover.    

Lavinia.

26th Oct

Lavinia, don’t you ever get HOMESICK?

I miss you. I miss our mad moments of complete silence. Of peace.

Birthdays are just not the same without you.

 

        I’ve constantly been asked. Why do I change my facebook profile picture all the time? Why do I change my MSN display picture all the time? Why do I change my boyfriends all the time? Why do I change my email address all the time? Why do I change my mood all the time? Why do I change my clothes 5 times a day? Why do I change my make-up 5 times a day? Why do I change my blog’s layout 5 times a day?
Why do I feel the  need to change my life every second of my life?

        Answer : because I’m bipolar. Stick that in your little heads.  I’m addicted to change. to diversity. I get uninterested if there isnt something constantly challenging me. Or maybe I’m just afraid people would get uninterested if I’m always the same. The same picture. The same face. The same clothes. The same typical personality. 

        I’m sorry some of you don’t understand. that i dont want to be cured. that im happy being unpredictable. And I’m sorry my ex is suffering, thinking I discarded him. Thing is, if you’re not capable of constantly renewing yourself, dont even bother, I’ll lose interest in you. You should have known. [...] You were fine. .. You were a great boyfriend. But at some point you stopped. being a great. boyfriend. And I couldnt keep you around anymore.
It’s fine. you can hate me. But just remember. i still care very much about you. and I’ll always be waiting for you to accept me as your friend.

        And for those who are shocked by what they’re reading here. knowing the real me,   behind these words. knowing the real me, who plays with people’s minds, who manipulates and uses, who seems to have a perfect life and never goes through any drama. for those who know the real me and cant believe the words written here belong to me. understand this is my playground. here i say things that I’ll never say in real life. here i cry about the things I’ll never cry in real life. here i show a part of me that I’ll never show in real life. this is my own world, where only I exist. where my violent nature in real life becomes sorrow, depression and tears in this parrallel universe.

 don’t ask me  about this tomorrow. I’ll pretend it never existed.

 

Because I’ve shared the best years of my life with you guys. Because no matter where I am, I’ll remember you. Because it’s over and it’s never coming back. Thank you for the best high school years, my friends