The feeling I got was overwhelming… because I remember you sending these lyrics once ( you know, back when you used to know my name)… I always wondered where these came from;  now I know..

the second I heard ‘ And through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection’  all the memories we’ve shared flashed through my eyes. Because ‘through it all’ you’re still present in my soul.

Yet [ love of my life] now it’s my turn to say, I wish I never met you.

As part of the healing process, I reminiscent. On the good days. And I wonder.. am I insane for not forgetting you? Are you some twisted obsession  that I can’t seem to let go? Or are you simply the one. The one who’s never meant to be forgotten. Or lost.   

As years go by, I find it hard to move on. To accept the betrayal. I still feel like it never happened.. like it’s all in my imagination and you’re actually the guy I fell in love with. It’s either denial. Or pure insanity… ‘Cause I can’t find a reason to why I still madly love you.  

        I’ll continue this, though, on  

        I’ve tried to forget it but I can’t. It’s a weird feeling I’m having.. I think it’s guilt.

        I’ve never took the time to analyze my behaviour towards you back then. I did it last night; for some reason, it kept me awake. I blamed you for our failure.Truth is, I’ve never tried with you… I had you and I knew it. I thought there’s nothing in this world that can turn you against me. I thought that you’ll love me, regardless of my behaviour.

    I remember this one conversation we had.. a long time ago. I was mad at you ( again, I don’t even know why) and you were misserable. You said I had no idea how much it hurts you to imagine me with someone else.. someone else taking me out and buying me drinks.. someone else holding my hand. You said I had no idea how much it hurt you to know I have someone else. And my reply in that moment was the biggest mistake I’ve ever done. My reply was probably the reason why today you don’t care about me. [ ...] My reply was.. silence. I intentionally wanted you to believe I had someone else. Just to see you suffer. Just for that. Although, deep down inside, I wanted to tell you that.. quite frankly, there was no one else but you. There never was. No-one to take me out. Or hold my hand. Because despite the fights, you were the only thing I loved. and wanted. There was never anyone else. but YOU.
    For the sake of love, I’m apologising. For not telling you this when you most needed to hear it. And for secretly enjoying the torture I put you through. But don’t worry, what went around, came around.

    [ ... and I hope you never read this. ]  

    I’m sorry I couldn’t write you sooner, I’ve been EXTREMELY busy these past few months. God, so much has happened.. my life is changing 100% . I’m doing really well… really really well. Everything seems to go just how I planned it.

    I fell in love.. madly in love. With this guy who lives in Nottingham.. and I’m actually at that point in life where I’m just saying: ‘fuck it, he’s worth it!’. I met him when I was visiting Danny… apparently they’re close friends. I’m moving to Nottingham. I told him I’m moving over just for university. But actually, I’m moving in for him. I chose to study at the same university as him just to be close to him.. god, I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’ve given this guy my full attention ever since I’ve met him. I’ve never felt this way for anyone, Matt is just… so incredibly special. Thing is, although we’ve become very close the past few weeks, i still can’t plug up the courage to tell him how i feel.. oh well, I’ll just see how it goes when we’ll be together.. either way, I’m confident I haven’t made a mistake.

    On a different note, I was in Portugal last week. Just hanged out with Hugo and the guys in Algarve.. i tried to call you but you were probably busy with that little bimbo of yours haha I’ve missed you. I’ve been missing you ever since you left. You take very silly decisions, you know? Let me know if you’ve changed your mind… I wanna see you one last time, before I move out of Romania and leave everything from my past behind. I need to say a proper goodbye to you…

    I know your birthday is a few days away, but I won’t bother calling you.. I’m afraid the bimbo will pick up the phone haha i hate her, her voice annoys me greatly. So I’ll just say it now:  happy birthday, lover.    

Lavinia.

26th Oct

I miss you. I miss our mad moments of complete silence. Of peace.

Birthdays are just not the same without you.

        Answer : because I’m bipolar. Stick that in your little heads.  I’m addicted to change. to diversity. I get uninterested if there isnt something constantly challenging me. Or maybe I’m just afraid people would get uninterested if I’m always the same. The same picture. The same face. The same clothes. The same typical personality. 

        I’m sorry some of you don’t understand. that i dont want to be cured. that im happy being unpredictable. And I’m sorry my ex is suffering, thinking I discarded him. Thing is, if you’re not capable of constantly renewing yourself, dont even bother, I’ll lose interest in you. You should have known. [...] You were fine. .. You were a great boyfriend. But at some point you stopped. being a great. boyfriend. And I couldnt keep you around anymore.
It’s fine. you can hate me. But just remember. i still care very much about you. and I’ll always be waiting for you to accept me as your friend.

        And for those who are shocked by what they’re reading here. knowing the real me,   behind these words. knowing the real me, who plays with people’s minds, who manipulates and uses, who seems to have a perfect life and never goes through any drama. for those who know the real me and cant believe the words written here belong to me. understand this is my playground. here i say things that I’ll never say in real life. here i cry about the things I’ll never cry in real life. here i show a part of me that I’ll never show in real life. this is my own world, where only I exist. where my violent nature in real life becomes sorrow, depression and tears in this parrallel universe.

 don’t ask me  about this tomorrow. I’ll pretend it never existed.